A BETTER GUIDE TO HATING THE KINGS

In the spirit of friendship, and because this whole thing is probably about to go to hell in a hand-basket, and because Chuck Berry is from St. Louis and Chuck Berry is Rock and Roll, I thought I would lend a hand in completing the guide to Kings hating put together by SB Nation’s St. Louis Blues blog, St. Louis Game Time.

HATE FUEL – a guide to jeering the LA Kings – St. Louis Game Time

Here’s a guide to hating the players on this team, as we’ll have to do for the next four to seven games (probably closer to seven)[...]:

  • Dustin Brown: Sure, he’s their Captain, and sure, I’ve been told he’d be a great teammate and he destroys Sedins and all that. But if you look at some video clips, you’re surely to find a few where he’s prominently diving. I hate diving. Fuck you, Brown.

It’s true. He dives.

  • Jeff Carter: He’s a good hockey player but he kinda looks like a douchebag. He also spent most of this season in the Central Division, albeit for the floundering Columbus Blue Jackets. Fuck you, Carter.

I have been lobbying for years in favor of bringing in what I referred to as “assholes who can score.” I’ll settle for a douchebag if he fills the net. You can have only so many “character guys” who can’t finish.

Kyle has not yet learned (okay, he’s started to learn) that fighting in the NHL is mostly about how not to get punched in the face. He seems to think it’s fun to trade haymakers. We’re all afraid for his brain.

  • Colin Fraser: He’s a former Blackhawk. You folks know where I stand on this issue. Fuck you, Fraser.

The best thing about Colin Fraser is that he was the return we got for Ryan Smyth, he was injured when we got him, and I still think we won that trade.

  • Dwight King: Remember DJ King? This is his brother, and he stole all his talent. Fuck you, King.

King is always smiling. And not always in a friendly way.

  • Anze Kopitar: Don’t stare at his NHL.com profile picture. He may break your soul. Yeah, I’ve been told he’s kinda ugly. Fuck you, Kopitar.

He’s not ugly. Maybe you have heard that we call him Raccoon Jesus.

  • Andrei Loktionov: This youngster is a face-off specialist right now, and not much more. Wasted Russian talent, ladies and gents! Well, kinda. I mean, he’s 21. But anyway . . . . Fuck you, Loktionov.

He’s not a face-off specialist. He is a hockey genius who floats three inches above the ice surface and makes passes that causes audible gasps from the crowd. Which is why his linemates are usually grinders or enforcers. In junior, his teammates called him Jimmy Neutron.

  • Jordan Nolan: Yes, he’s the son of former NHL player and coach Ted Nolan, and while he may have more talent than his old man, he also has some of his temper. Fuck you, Nolan.

He’s a good hockey player. And he’s mean. To me he has always looked like a deranged Matt Moulson.

  • Kevin Westgarth: If the Blues see Westgarth in this series, the Kings are in deep, DEEP shit. He’s a brawler, nothing more. Fuck you, Westgarth.

He’s not just a knuckle-dragger. He did go to Princeton. Of course, so did George Bush.

  • Justin Williams: He’s got a bit of talent, but his main talent is skating fast. How’d that work out for my boy Jamal Mayers? Fuck you, Williams.

Williams is not actually fast. He’s just busy. And shifty. And he works well in tight. But the fast thing is an illusion.

  • Drew Doughty: He held out at the beginning of the season, then signed some ridiculous contract that he’s almost guaranteed never to outperform. Fuck you, Doughty.

Maybe with inflation… Also, he has a wonderful singing voice and a laugh that melts hearts. (And, yes, he looks like Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.)

What? You’ve got Drew D and D Drew. See? It’s easy. (Some go with DD and DD2…)

  • Slava Voynov: Another guy I’m not overly familiar with, other than to say he’s from Russia and Ken Hitchcock probably hates him, if you listen to Nikita Filatov. Fuck you, Voynov.

Slava won the fastest skater competition in the AHL all-star game two years ago, with a time that was better than whoever won it at the NHL level. He is the reason Lombardi was able to trade Jack Johnson.

I generally have no problem with Kings fans. Want to know why? Because they generally have no problem with me. But as was noted last round ahead of the series with the Sharks, this is playoff hockey. Verily, this is business. I want to win this bitch.Fuck Los Angeles.

I don’t know how to read that. Is it, “I want to win this bitch” (the series — or the cup — is a bitch he wants to win), or “I want to win this, bitch” (the reader — really the Blues fan who reads it — is the bitch. Who or what is the bitch?

I’m surprised they didn’t put Darryl Sutter or Dean Lombardi in the guide. I would have. I will leave it to the comments section to help out on that score.

Meanwhile, Chuck Berry is rock and roll.

 
  • Dan H.

    I believe he missed out on some things as well.  Seing as Lokti only got a sniff at one game and Westgarth 0, I’d say he burned some time on some players not likely to face the blues in anything but a friendly chess match in the press box.

  • DougS

    “The best thing about Colin Fraser is that he was the return we got for Ryan Smyth, he was injured when we got him, and I still think we won that trade.”

    Indeed. Could be one of the cleverest things that Lombardi has done as GM.

  • https://www.facebook.com/brian.brunet Brian Brunet

    Very sophomoric; I can appreciate humor, but have some tact.  In the least, get your facts straight before you post something as innocently abrasive as this.  (This is aimed at the St. Louis blogger, not you Quisp.)  In parting, good-natured assholian jab – good luck with your concussion-ridden players in a physical series, and while I’m at it, fuck you St. Louis. 

  • Garrett79

    I like the Bush dig. =)

  • Niesy

    I don’t know what made me laugh more, Andrei the Faceoff Specialist or J Dub the Speed Demon.

    Bwahahaha.

  • Yzguy

    there is something in the water in St. Louis. those fans are insane and angry. oh i know what’s in their water, ddt and agent orange thanks to chemical giant MON.

    • http://www.mcsorleys-stick.com/ Quisp

       You just wanted to make a genetically modified corn joke.

  • m_and_m

    I’m feeling perverse.  I pick the Kings to win game one in overtime … 7-6.

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