Ducks Fan Thinks Kings Fans are…wait for it…


Anaheim Calling: I Just Hate the Kings (and here’s why)

Over the years, I’ve considered the San Jose Sharks to be the Ducks number one rival. My rivalry determination method is different than most. I rate rivals based on how obnoxious the other team’s fans are.

That works for me. At least, it’s always part of the equation.

[…] With San Jose choking – again – in the off-season, their fans have been humbled, or at least, forced to jump off the bandwagon once again. Kings fans, including all these new ones, are running wild with confidence that their team is the best ever.

And this is annoying to most Kings fans, too. And to me. However: people in glass houses…

I am annoyed by all of this. For all those LA fans reading this, you’re probably thinking, “She’s just bitter because the Ducks missed the playoffs.” Well, YOU’RE RIGHT! I am extremely bitter. I am a seething little ball of hate.

You’re Pat Verbeek?

I am so angry that I made a list of the reasons I hate the Kings right now:

I am forced to cheer for other teams. Do you know how hard it is to pull for the Vancouver Canucks? Those guys are dicks!

Yes. But seriously: Corey Perry?

The Kings couldn’t score goals in the regular season! All the sudden the team is this offensive powerhouse. I would expect this behavior from Anze Kopitar, but certainly not the rest of the team. They were supposed to miss the playoffs because they stopped scoring goals.

That’s the thing about enjoying the failure of your enemies: you then have to suffer when they succeed. You took the Kings’ historic lack of scoring as proof of their crappiness, when in fact it was the opposite: they played all year on pace to make the playoffs roughly in the bottom of the playoff pack, without the benefit of goals. Inevitably, with several proven 20-30 goal scorers all on pace to score like 3 each, there was bound to be a regression to the mean. It’s not rocket science: when a team either wins or loses every game 2-1, and you add a goal or two each game, that team is going to be pretty good.

3) […] Seriously, Dustin Brown?! If memory serves me correctly, he was being shopped at the trade deadline and now he’s doing his best Corey Perry impression – yeah, he’s being a prick, too. Cheap-shots, late hits, and goals (even short-handed ones!)

Brown doesn’t hit late usually. He’s solidly in the Gordie Howe school of retribution, which is a fine tradition. And, as far as being shopped, this has turned out to be Dean Lombardi’s shining moment. You could argue that the dash of fuck you added to Brown’s game since the deadline has been the key ingredient in the Kings’ turnaround. Basically, we got Jeff Carter and a new Dustin Brown for your friend Jack Johnson.

4) Forcing Brian Hayward to say nice things about the Kings. He may have the analyst job on the national broadcasts, but it was some cruel joke to add him to this series.

Hayward is, I’m pretty sure, universally regarded as the most myopic, homertastic and ridiculous commentator in human history. My favorite example of this is his comment — late 90s, I think — that Steve Yzerman was “the most hated man in hockey.”

The thing is, he’s been excellent on NBC. Stripped of his usual personality, it turns out he’s really smart and astute about this hockey thing. If you quote me, I will deny saying it.

You win this round, King of Homers, Jim Fox.

Jim Fox isn’t a homer. He looks like Barney Rubble. His hair kicks Kerry Fraser’s hair’s ass (if hair can have an ass). And he’s absolutely rooting for the Kings. But he doesn’t filter reality through those glass like Hayward does. I’ve never heard him say a mean or disparaging thing about a player, much less a player on another team.

5) The Legion of Douche. (First, I have to admit that I got this moniker from super-Kings fan, The Royal Half. One of probably four decent Kings fans I know.) Anyway, the Legion of Douche is the line of Dustin Penner, Mike Richards and Jeff Carter. And you can thank GM Dean Lombardi for assembling them.

That’s even better than the name for Kessler, Burrows and Lapierre: The Triple Clown Line.

I was LOVING the fact that the Penner trade was a total and complete bust. Not to mention the fact that he was making a total ass of himself by being overweight in camp…

You’re thinking of last season. He wasn’t overweight in camp.

On to Mike Richards! […] I remember the exact moment I heard he was traded to the Kings. […] My very first thought was, “I wonder if his home will be in the San Fernando Valley?”

People from Anaheim are not allowed to make fun of the Valley. I’m sure you’re aware that Anaheim is technically a part of the Greater Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. You’re a suburb. You’re the Valley but farther away. I’m not sure, but I think you might be the Valley, to the Valley.

Oh how the trade for Jeff Carter pissed me off. Not only were the Kings dumping an [sic] undeserved, ridiculous contract (for another) of Jack Johnson, they were getting rid of the best defenseman for the Ducks to score against.

Yes, it was a good trade for the Kings. That must be infuriating.

[Carter is] just a prima donna asshole with a Neil Patrick Harris haircut.

Which, as I’ve argued many times, the Kings have needed more of for a long time, lest they become smothered under the weight of their own good character.

7) Coming to my ‘hood. This past Friday, Drew Doughty and Trevor Lewis attended a baseball game where they were shown on the jumbotron. Of course they would go to an Angels game…say whaa’?

Why “of course”? Because the Dodgers are such losers?

Look Kings fans, we already have an owner in Arte Moreno that is considerably confused as to where his team actually plays.

See: Greater Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

Just because he won a case against the Anaheim City Council to name his team the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim doesn’t mean you’re allowed to come to our stadium – a stadium in which you can see Honda Center from.

“in which you can see.. from”?

Naturally the Anaheim faithful boo-ed them when they were announced as LA Kings. NO. NO THEY DIDN’T. They did nothing, which in Orange County speak is considered cheering.

Maybe they just recognized the Kings as being their home team. Or thought they were showing Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.

10) The Ducks fucking head coach picked the Kings to go to the Stanley Cup Final.

That was just a psy-ops thing. But if you’re really into hating the Kings — which I can sympathize with about half the time — I recommend this helpful guide I put together for Blues fans.


  10 comments for “Ducks Fan Thinks Kings Fans are…wait for it…

  1. Dethklokrulez12
    May 7, 2012 at 5:16 PM

    This is hilarious..

  2. DemolitionGirl07
    May 7, 2012 at 5:37 PM

    So to #4…Brian Hayward is a biased little prick. He was very lucky that there was a thick pane of glass separating him from my verbal and physical tyraids I would have unleashed on him. That pansy ass has no business being in our house, on our ice or near our guys. Just goes to show that he knows his team sucks balls as he agreed to the offer from NBC to commentate our series.

    #7: the fans weren’t booing…..they were saying “DREWWWWWW!” and that is known from friends who were at the game.

    And the real reason Los Angeles is in the Angels’ name is because NO ONE outside of So Cal would know where in eff Anaheim is, and when they search for it….all they get is Disneyland. Anaslime is the wanna be Los Angeles.

    In my opinion….Anaheim fans are the biggest retards out there. I have been to your house to see anyone play against your shitty assed team and got so frustrated with people in Suck gear asking me what was happening in the game, or what the whistle was blown for, or why are they facing off in whatever zone….shut the hell up and buy a Hockey for Dummies book so I can watch the game! Pansy!!

    • May 7, 2012 at 7:30 PM

       As a Kings season seat holder, I heard many dumb things over the years. I remember one guy explaining to his date that they made the players wear skates to slow them down.

  3. May 7, 2012 at 6:32 PM

    “People from Anaheim are not allowed to make fun of the Valley. I’m sure
    you’re aware that Anaheim is technically a part of the Greater Los
    Angeles Metropolitan Area. You’re a suburb. You’re the Valley but
    farther away. I’m not sure, but I think you might be the Valley, to the Valley.”


  4. May 7, 2012 at 6:59 PM

    True Story!!  I once saw a Ducks fan with his goddamned jersey TUCKED INTO HIS PANTS!!!

    But I have to admit.. I have met as many idiot Ducks fans as idiot Kings fans.

    And I used to live in Anaheim.. And Mos 2 ( kept me sane for two years.

  5. Kenny Minster
    May 7, 2012 at 8:11 PM

    You know, I read this diatribe and I must pause for a hearty chuckle. Why is it that all but ONE of the Ducks’ few sellouts last season were against the KINGS and Kings fans made up more than 65% of the audience? Why is it that each and every time I go to the Ponda Center to watch my Kings embarrass the “chippy” Quacks, do a preponderance of the “fans” pay attention to their texts or gossip about all things NOT Hockey? Ducks fans are not hockey fans – going to a Duck game is as innocuous as going to the movies. Ask a typical Duck fan where Teemu Sellane started his career and you’ll get a glazed-over minimum wage face. Basically, Duck fans used to be Kings fans but decided the drive wasn’t worth it anymore. Myself? I’ve been a King fan since DAY ONE. That’s right, as a small boy, my father took me to the very first LA Kings game. I am now and will forever be… a loyal King fan.

    • Bob Knob
      May 19, 2012 at 7:38 AM

      “the ‘fans’ pay attention to their texts or gossip about all things NOT Hockey”

      I assume you have never sat in the 100’s at Staples.

  6. Crowned Royal
    May 7, 2012 at 9:20 PM

    At least it is intelligently crafted and poignant.

  7. Bill N.
    May 7, 2012 at 11:28 PM

    The favorite story I like to tell people when the Kings/Ducks/Angels are brought up is from 2002 (the year the Angels won it all). On the final game of the regular season — fan appreciation day — the Angels were giving out tickets to that night’s Kings-Ducks preseason game to whomever wanted them (first-come, first-served). We went and claimed our two. I had to leave for work, but my sister-in-law met my wife and they went from the stadium to the Ponda. As they walked over, they saw lots of people going to their cars and changing out of their Angel gear and into their King gear before heading to the game. Far more doing so for the Kings than the Ducks.

  8. GShuchuk99
    May 10, 2012 at 4:27 PM

    I was at a sports bar at john wayne during the ducks stanley cup run… they were in the finals at the time.  I had to ask them to put the game on.

    That being said, if a ducks fan wants to chirp all they really have to say is “Talk to me when you have a cup.”  That’s the problem with winning a cup when you haven’t been through the requisite amount of suffering.

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