Meanwhile you, Cam Janssen, aren’t even allowed access to us — the Stanley-Cup Champion Los Angeles Fat Broads — because you didn’t dress for a single game the entire playoffs.
Cam Janssen, the recently resigned brawler from the New Jersey Devils …
Unfortunately, that’s re-signed — as in signed again — not resigned, as in retired.
“I was pretty [expletive] miserable,” he said about losing in the Stanley Cup Final, saying that the Devils “blew their load” against the Rangers in the Eastern Conference Final while the Kings had an easier path.
On the Los Angeles Kings, Janssen said: “They kicked ass. That organization is very, very good for hockey. … it’s going to be good for hockey for all of those whatever-you-want-to-call-thems over there, to get into hockey.”
Apparently, there are just so many derogatory stereotypes sloshing around in the spittoon that is the head of Cam Janssen that he couldn’t pick one.
On losing to the Los Angeles Kings in the Final, Janssen said: “Damn fat broads, man … [The LA Kings are] the fat broads you just regret banging. I’ve been there and done that. It’s a very good experience to see what it takes to make it that far. But losing like that, holy [expletive] that was a buzzkill.”
Catastrophic metaphor malfunction.
I’m just going to set aside the grotesque mind-numbingly offensive knuckle-dragging assholism of the “world view” epitomized by the phrase “fat broads you regret banging.” I’m sure Cam will be getting his fair share of mail on this point alone. I will leave it at this:
For Cam, “fat” just means “woman I’m telling you is less attractive than me, Cam Janssen” and “broad” just means “woman I don’t respect as she is but one among the multitude of women conquered by me, Cam Janssen.” “Banging” suggests the sound we’re supposed to imagine made by these fictional interludes, as by a headboard, or a bathroom stall door, as opposed to the real sound really made by the real Cam Janssen.
And that would be the sound of whatever it sounds like to sit in the press box in a nice suit. For the entire playoffs.
But I digress. I wanted to discuss the metaphor.
- The Devils lost in the playoffs to the Kings.
- They should have won, but they got tired in the earlier rounds.
- The Kings, meanwhile, had an easier time of it.
- Cam Janssen goes to a bar and sizes up available partners for an evening he would like to spend in a facetious attempt at procreation.
- Cam Janssen selects the best available partner who possesses Cam Janssen’s most prized attribute: namely, that she is is not actually repulsed by Cam Janssen.
- Cam Janssen is too good for her, but he will grace her with his implement.
- An unspeakable act occurs.
- Cam selects the most attractive dance partner and has his way with her, despite the fact that he doesn’t find her all that attractive.
- The Kings, in that metaphor, are not “the best the Devils can do.” In Cam’s metaphor, the Kings would be the hottest girl in the bar. If the Devils had lost in round one, and Cam was selected to represent his country in the Worlds (note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA), that would be more analogous to banging the fat broad. Because he would win (yay) but not against the opponent he would have liked (boo), and which he would have faced had he or his team not sucked (ha ha).
- Banging the fat broad doesn’t equal losing in the Stanley Cup Finals. Banging the fat broad — according to Cam Janssen if he were only an asshole and not also stupid — equals winning in the consolation round, having already being knocked out of the playoffs.
- Saying “bang the fat broad” is meant to demean the fat broad. I only slept with you in order to dispense with my animal urges, and you were the closest victim, you pathetic fat broad. Losing in the Stanley Cup Finals doesn’t demean the Kings. Beating the Kings would have been a good start at demeaning them. But losing to them?
- I wondered if maybe Cam Janssen was trying to “shrug off” losing in the cup finals, the way he thinks you’re supposed to “shrug off” the banging of the mythological fat broad. In other words, just as when I bang the fat broad it doesn’t mean that I am as worthless in my own mythology as the fat broad, so it is with the cup, where losing to the Kings does not mean we are worse than the Kings.
- ESPECIALLY SINCE I CAM JANSSEN WASN’T ALLOWED TO PLAY IN ANY OF THE GAMES.