Fat Broads You Regret Banging Win Stanley Cup

Meanwhile you, Cam Janssen, aren’t even allowed access to us — the Stanley-Cup Champion Los Angeles Fat Broads — because you didn’t dress for a single game the entire playoffs.

Devils’ Cam Janssen calls LA Kings ‘the fat broads you just regret banging’; makes off-color gay joke | Puck Daddy – Yahoo! Sports

Cam Janssen, the recently resigned brawler from the New Jersey Devils

Unfortunately, that’s re-signed — as in signed again — not resigned, as in retired.

“I was pretty [expletive] miserable,” he said about losing in the Stanley Cup Final, saying that the Devils “blew their load” against the Rangers in the Eastern Conference Final while the Kings had an easier path.

On the Los Angeles Kings, Janssen said: “They kicked ass. That organization is very, very good for hockey. … it’s going to be good for hockey for all of those whatever-you-want-to-call-thems over there, to get into hockey.”

Apparently, there are just so many derogatory stereotypes sloshing around in the spittoon that is the head of Cam Janssen that he couldn’t pick one.

On losing to the Los Angeles Kings in the Final, Janssen said: “Damn fat broads, man … [The LA Kings are] the fat broads you just regret banging. I’ve been there and done that. It’s a very good experience to see what it takes to make it that far. But losing like that, holy [expletive] that was a buzzkill.”

Catastrophic metaphor malfunction.

I’m just going to set aside the grotesque mind-numbingly offensive knuckle-dragging assholism of the “world view” epitomized by the phrase “fat broads you regret banging.” I’m sure Cam will be getting his fair share of mail on this point alone. I will leave it at this:

For Cam, “fat” just means “woman I’m telling you is less attractive than me, Cam Janssen” and “broad” just means “woman I don’t respect as she is but one among the multitude of women conquered by me, Cam Janssen.” “Banging” suggests the sound we’re supposed to imagine made by these fictional interludes, as by a headboard, or a bathroom stall door, as opposed to the real sound really made by the real Cam Janssen.

And that would be the sound of whatever it sounds like to sit in the press box in a nice suit. For the entire playoffs.

But I digress. I wanted to discuss the metaphor.

  • The Devils lost in the playoffs to the Kings.
  • They should have won, but they got tired in the earlier rounds.
  • The Kings, meanwhile, had an easier time of it.
Which he likens to:
  • Cam Janssen goes to a bar and sizes up available partners for an evening he would like to spend in a facetious attempt at procreation.
  • Cam Janssen selects the best available partner who possesses Cam Janssen’s most prized attribute: namely, that she is is not actually repulsed by Cam Janssen.
  • Cam Janssen is too good for her, but he will grace her with his implement.
  • An unspeakable act occurs.
Let’s break it down. The Devils, I guess, are Cam Janssen (ironic, considering his playoff TOI of 0.00). The Kings, he has told us, are the fat broads. Not one individual fat broad, mind you, but plural fat broads, the totality of all the fat broads seduced by Cam Janssen, or (more likely) those that he’s heard about or imagined are seduced by the kind of guy he aspires to be or would have us believe he is. So, kind of composite, mythological fat broad, really.
Not that we expect any of this allegory to hold together. But I find it kind of mesmerizing how many ways it doesn’t add up.
  • Cam selects the most attractive dance partner and has his way with her, despite the fact that he doesn’t find her all that attractive.
  • The Kings, in that metaphor, are not “the best the Devils can do.” In Cam’s metaphor, the Kings would be the hottest girl in the bar. If the Devils had lost in round one, and Cam was selected to represent his country in the Worlds (note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA), that would be more analogous to banging the fat broad. Because he would win (yay) but not against the opponent he would have liked (boo), and which he would have faced had he or his team not sucked (ha ha).
  • Banging the fat broad doesn’t equal losing in the Stanley Cup Finals. Banging the fat broad — according to Cam Janssen if he were only an asshole and not also stupid — equals winning in the consolation round, having already being knocked out of the playoffs.
  • Saying “bang the fat broad” is meant to demean the fat broad. I only slept with you in order to dispense with my animal urges, and you were the closest victim, you pathetic fat broad. Losing in the Stanley Cup Finals doesn’t demean the Kings. Beating the Kings would have been a good start at demeaning them. But losing to them?
  • I wondered if maybe Cam Janssen was trying to “shrug off” losing in the cup finals, the way he thinks you’re supposed to “shrug off” the banging of the mythological fat broad. In other words, just as when I bang the fat broad it doesn’t mean that I am as worthless in my own mythology as the fat broad, so it is with the cup, where losing to the Kings does not mean we are worse than the Kings.
I keep coming back to how odd it is that Cam Janssen would use this particular analogy. It’s like if someone runs up to me on the street and calls me a giraffe and runs away, I would be pretty sure (a) I wasn’t a giraffe, and so (b) the comment had more to do with the person who called me that.
What’s weird — and I think revealing — about it is, the Devils lost to the Kings in the most important series of the last decade for the Devils. So you would think the “I conquer fat broads” metaphor wouldn’t work at all. But it does work if you make one little tweak: if you consider that maybe Cam Janssen isn’t as successful with the hefty ladies as he would have you believe. And not only that, but maybe it matters more to him than he lets on.
Now, rereading Cam Janssen’s full diatribe, his comments on what happened in the Rangers and Devils series is all too illuminating. How does he characterize it? He says the Devils “blew their load.”
And so the whole hideous logic comes fully into focus. I kind of wish it hadn’t, but it has. The Devils blew their load on the Rangers and Devils, and didn’t have any load left for the Kings. And that, by Cam’s way of thinking, is just like the time he…

  7 comments for “Fat Broads You Regret Banging Win Stanley Cup

  1. Jack
    July 12, 2012 at 5:54 PM

    To be fair, I think the ‘fat broad’ analogy was first brought up by the radio hosts and Cam just ran with it. Not that it makes him seem any less stupid. Especially when you notice that in that same Yahoo article that (on the topic of getting into other player’s heads) the hosts say, “If the guy was sucking [expletive] four weeks ago, you’re going to know about it.” Cam replies, “Oh, if he’s sucking [expletive] he’s getting his ass kicked.”

    So, Cam Janssen, misogynistic and homophobic. Good signing Devils.

    • July 12, 2012 at 6:11 PM

      You know, my dyslexia reversed the sucking and the [expletive] so I totally missed that he was talking about sucking dicks. I thought he was talking about people who suck at hockey. I feel so stupid now.

  2. JZarris
    July 12, 2012 at 8:49 PM

    Imagine if the Devils had won.

  3. BringBackTheShieldJersey
    July 13, 2012 at 6:47 AM

    On this one point–the kings are the fat broads–people are over-thinking this and taking it too personally. This type of regret is an old one, it comes the day after you take off the beer goggles. I thought it was a pretty accurate analogy, misogynist baggage included. The first girl I had sex with was gorgeous, no regrets there. But the first one I was intimate with, well not so much. But the opportunity for the experience was there, so I took it. It could have been better, though. He’s not really knocking the Kings–calling them a great organization–as much as he is realizing that he didn’t lose his virginity the right way. There’s an element of self-deprecation there.
    And everyone get off their self-righteous high-horses: we ALL want to be with (really, really) hot, goregous, beautiful people.

    • July 13, 2012 at 11:11 AM

      The problem is, what you just said was thoughtful and coherent.

  4. WantedPlayerX
    July 13, 2012 at 6:12 PM

    The whole gay/fat chick riffing is just crass and juvenile, so I can easily dismiss it as coming from some twenty-something twit, especially when he could well be speaking, or at least trying to speak, metaphorically. The problem, for me, is when he is apparently literal about wanting to hurt guys. Hit, yes, hit to damage, okay maybe, but I do not credit this single-neuron life-form with the ability to distinguish between the kind of hurt that slows a guy down in a game or a series and the full-blown-intentional-attack type of hurt that is a lasting injury. This guy thinks like Craig Muni and talks like Sean Avery, but he plays like a recently called up minor-leaguer that needs to “make his mark” and has a very limited skillset.

    • July 13, 2012 at 6:22 PM

      I have no doubt that he truly wants to hurt people. I was going to cover this, but it was knocked out of the park by theory_of_ice.

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